Monday, November 13, 2006
As I approach the second anniversary of her passing, Mom has been in my thoughts of late. With all the driving I do, I have a lot of time to think and puzzle thru many things. My relationship with Mom though remains perplexing.
Mom and I had a relationship nothing like what I have with our daughters. I am not saying she was not there when I needed her, it was just that we were never close. She was always "Mom" whether it was my brothers or me. I am not complaining. Mom did teach me to read before I started school and conveyed a love of literature that served me well during my VERY socially awkward High School years. With that exception, she never really related to me in any way that was different from my brothers. She was not distanced from our needs growing up. She vehemently (and wisely) fought the Schools on advance placement. She dealt with most of our school discipline problems and of course was there for the birth of ALL her grandchildren.
As I have come to realize the difference in our relationship as compared to my daughters, I wonder if it was tied to how close we 4 siblings were growing up? How much was that we were a self sustaining dynamic of our own? Was she just totally overwhelmed? Or, how much was tied to her (in hindsight) periodic bouts of depression?
I believe that if Mom had treated me different from the others, our sibling relationship would have been a lot more difficult. I further believe we would not be as close as we are now. I suspect that Moms emotional distance and my sibs closeness more than my physical oddities were a determinant in my education and career choices. I prefer to think she kept her distance out of wisdom. I begrudge nothing and I am grateful for what I was given. I will always wonder about the "why" though.
Rest well Mom, we miss you.
Posted by mal at 4:38 PM